I dread every time I plan to work with Holly.
I'm afraid that I'll mess the little things up, and she'll lose any trust she has for me. I'm afraid that she won't want to be near me, that she'll fear me. I'm afraid.
Holly is my everything. She is my child, someone who I put more effort into than myself. She is my teacher, from whom I have learned gentleness, kindness, patience, and to live in the moment. She is my best friend, my therapist, the only being in the whole world that I can pour my heart into, and not have to worry that I'm talking her ear off.
I'm afraid, because if I lose Holly (if she dies, is sold, decides she doesn't like me anymore, doesn't respond to me) I am nothing. I have put so much time, money, passion, and sorrow into her, that to lose it all would be devastating. But not only that. If I lost her, I would be losing my child, my closest friend. If I lost her, I would go crazy.
So, I've tiptoed around her. I've avoided doing anything with her that would change our relationship, that would make her think that I'm not nice to be around. I've avoided bridling, because she doesn't like it. I've avoided grooming her, because she doesn't like it. I've avoided riding because I'm scared that I won't be a good enough leader on her back as I am on the ground, and that she'll lose trust and respect for me because of that.
Lately, I've realized that what I'm doing isn't helping either of us. We're not going anywhere, we're not moving. My parents are fed up. They want me to start riding Holly this summer, or they are selling her.
At first I was furious with them. How dare they threaten Holly like that. But, then I saw their point. Deep down inside, I do want to ride Holly, I do want to go places with her. I just have to face my fears. I have to be brave.
With that timeline in place, I've started to up the ante. I've started grooming Holly every day. And though she wriggled and twitched and swished her tail when I first started, I didn't give up. I made sure we were both in respectful shapes to each other, but let her move when she absolutely had to. The first few times I tried that, I was terrified that Holly would be angry with me for actually making her listen. But, to my surprise, she wasn't. In fact, after those grooming sessions, and even still, she had the most beautiful join up with me, even ignoring her food (which she was so desperate to stuff in her mouth while I was trying to groom her at first) to follow me, head level, without halter or lead.
I've also started round penning her more, and every time so far, Holly's given me gorgeous bows. I plan to start lunging her, and adding on more and more new things/work until we're riding.
I realized that this whole time I've been holding everything back (I was the same needy, cautious person with Miss B, and we didn't go anywhere either. Cindy says she's perfect now.) I was trying to control everything by keeping things slow and easy, at a speed I could manage. All it took was a kick in the pants from my parents and Cindy, and a little bravery from me, and now I'm starting to see good things. Holly hasn't let me give her a good grooming for 3 years, now she's calm for it every day. We'd only joined up about 3 times before, but now we join up every day as well. She nickers at me every time she sees me too ♥.
I've finally let go, I've freed Holly and myself from the terrible restrictions I'd put on. We're going to go places. Watch out. :P
I'm afraid that I'll mess the little things up, and she'll lose any trust she has for me. I'm afraid that she won't want to be near me, that she'll fear me. I'm afraid.
Holly is my everything. She is my child, someone who I put more effort into than myself. She is my teacher, from whom I have learned gentleness, kindness, patience, and to live in the moment. She is my best friend, my therapist, the only being in the whole world that I can pour my heart into, and not have to worry that I'm talking her ear off.
I'm afraid, because if I lose Holly (if she dies, is sold, decides she doesn't like me anymore, doesn't respond to me) I am nothing. I have put so much time, money, passion, and sorrow into her, that to lose it all would be devastating. But not only that. If I lost her, I would be losing my child, my closest friend. If I lost her, I would go crazy.
So, I've tiptoed around her. I've avoided doing anything with her that would change our relationship, that would make her think that I'm not nice to be around. I've avoided bridling, because she doesn't like it. I've avoided grooming her, because she doesn't like it. I've avoided riding because I'm scared that I won't be a good enough leader on her back as I am on the ground, and that she'll lose trust and respect for me because of that.
Lately, I've realized that what I'm doing isn't helping either of us. We're not going anywhere, we're not moving. My parents are fed up. They want me to start riding Holly this summer, or they are selling her.
At first I was furious with them. How dare they threaten Holly like that. But, then I saw their point. Deep down inside, I do want to ride Holly, I do want to go places with her. I just have to face my fears. I have to be brave.
With that timeline in place, I've started to up the ante. I've started grooming Holly every day. And though she wriggled and twitched and swished her tail when I first started, I didn't give up. I made sure we were both in respectful shapes to each other, but let her move when she absolutely had to. The first few times I tried that, I was terrified that Holly would be angry with me for actually making her listen. But, to my surprise, she wasn't. In fact, after those grooming sessions, and even still, she had the most beautiful join up with me, even ignoring her food (which she was so desperate to stuff in her mouth while I was trying to groom her at first) to follow me, head level, without halter or lead.
I've also started round penning her more, and every time so far, Holly's given me gorgeous bows. I plan to start lunging her, and adding on more and more new things/work until we're riding.
I realized that this whole time I've been holding everything back (I was the same needy, cautious person with Miss B, and we didn't go anywhere either. Cindy says she's perfect now.) I was trying to control everything by keeping things slow and easy, at a speed I could manage. All it took was a kick in the pants from my parents and Cindy, and a little bravery from me, and now I'm starting to see good things. Holly hasn't let me give her a good grooming for 3 years, now she's calm for it every day. We'd only joined up about 3 times before, but now we join up every day as well. She nickers at me every time she sees me too ♥.
I've finally let go, I've freed Holly and myself from the terrible restrictions I'd put on. We're going to go places. Watch out. :P
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| Attempts at artistic pictures :) |
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| She's so cute. |
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| ♥ |
I very much get that fear... of destroying the little you have accomplished. Good for you, for recognizing and working on overcoming that fear :) Good luck - you're on on the right track!
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